Falling in love is as easy as falling asleep
by PrettyLittleDiary
Summary: In Remus' and Sirius' case falling in love was easy but understanding those feelings and working out how their relationship worked was as easy as falling asleep for an insomniac.
1. Chapter 1

"Don't be an arse!" shouted Prongs at Padfoot as we practiced spells in our Order of the Phoenix meeting, we were practicing spells which may protect us and sharing information. Without a doubt my friend's favourite part was the spells; they hated DADA in school but they enjoyed running around our head quarters throwing spells at one another trying to insert their dominance. They were idiots, true, but part of them knew how important it was to learn handy spells which made it different to our lessons at school. Between the several of us, when counting the Marauders, Lily, Ruby and Anton as the group of friends that had grown through the school years, we'd been pretty unlucky in the amount of duels we'd ended up in with Death Eater's and even escaping you-know-who sometimes we'd been lucky as we'd always survived relatively unscathed. Prongs had now rectified the jelly legs curse Padfoot had put on him and he'd stopped walking as if he'd never walked before, I know the Death Eater's aren't likely to use jelly leg curse on us but still it was practice.

"Not my fault you can't make a good shield" grinned Padfoot "ask Moony, he's been learning to protect himself from my curses since first year" he said patronizingly patting me on the back. He used to be an even more immature ass back in first year and loved throwing around curses at me and our other dorm mate Aqulia. Padfoot was never vicious in his let's call teasing but he realised I had skill to rival his when I retaliated. Padfoot had two options, become friends with me or be at the end of my wrath every day, when he still believed there was a wrath to be at the end of as even for a werewolf I was kind natured.

"Come on Prongs, it's more like this" I said imitating the upwards lick "pro-TAY-goh" I repeated for the third time that night. Wormtail was too the side hanging off my every word as I tried to explain the spell at a level easy as when we were taught at school. Lily, her best friend Ruby and Ruby's boyfriend had already mastered the spell and were finding it rather entertaining watching the usually cocky Prong's struggle with a spell.

"Moony mate don't help too much, I still want to kick his ass" he said after beating Prongs' shield again and he was laughing on the floor apparently overcome by the sensation as he tapped me on the shoulder. His large hands always had some power behind them as I felt them on my shoulder the feeling was strange as it felt as if heat must be radiating off his palm as we stood side by side. I looked back at Padfoot and saw even in laughter his hair hung perfectly over his lit up face while we allowed Prongs' to practice his skills of infinite incantatem to reverse the spell, it couldn't possibly be because we found watching him writher around laughing was funny. He finally managed to stop the spell and he threatened to curse Padfoot in to oblivion as he messed up his hair in the way he preferred.

"Let US show you how it's done" smiled Lily flicking her red hair behind her neck followed by Ruby, I watched as Lily created her shield that managed to block three of Ruby's spell's before the forth hit Lily before the stupefy hit her and she fell in the opposite angle to the pile of pillows. I watched James as the spells were thrown at his girlfriend he always watched her as if he'd jump in front of anything for her he had a smug grin as she deflected the curses but when she fell on the floor he was by her side undoing the charm. It was if he thought something could have gone wrong in the past few seconds as she flicked open her eyes and smiled sleepily.

"Am I ever going to wake up and not see your face?" she rolled her eyes as she smiled at her boyfriend who she'd moved in with almost a year ago after the passing of her mother. Her father had passed back in the summer before her seventh year so now twenty year old Lily had moved in with her boyfriend at his parent's house, Mr and Mrs Potter were more than happy to take her in. James and Lily may of considered moving in to a home together but his elderly parent's prevented it, not that they minded they both loved their families. It still meant Lily had to grow up fairly quickly I mean not many people had moved in with their boyfriends at her age and she'd had to deal with the fact she'd lost almost all of her family. Obviously Lily and I had been friends since first year and I definitely saw her as extended family for me. She and Ruby were probably just as inseparable as her and James as they'd passed through schools as two muggle born's who understood each other better than everyone else in our year. Lily was the most understanding friend I could have asked for as we helped one another through our education and could always talk about almost everything. I could say the same about James who preferred to my problem as my 'fury little problem' and accepted me without a bat of an eye lid. Then there was Sirius, Sirius was probably my funniest friend and would always love to shock me with his intelligent conversations and skill in every subject without trying and still had every girl watch him as if he was the most perfect thing in the world. I couldn't forget Peter he was a lovely boy who I helped through his exams and loved to have friends almost as much as me. Ruby and I had always got on well and she got on well with the fellow Marauders as the trouble maker and of course for dating Padfoot on and off up to seventh year and in the seventh year our friendship developed to greater extremes, she even knows all mine and the Marauder's secrets. Then there was Ruby's boyfriend Anton he was lovely and intelligent boy Ravenclaw who I enjoyed spending time with.

"Oi come on Moony let's see how you can stand up to me" smiled Padfoot smugly as he basked in his glory of managing to overpower Prongs' shield repeatedly. I knew the shield spell almost perfectly of course but as I stood opposite Padfoot nerves started to get me as that smug grin lit up his face and he held his wand loosely in his hand. I preformed the non-verbal spell and waited for the first hit, the shield held twice as they were thrown at me but the third stupefy led to me lying down in a similar way to Lily with even less grace.

"Come on then lets swap" I said rubbing my sore back from hitting the floor after I was revived. This time Padfoot would perform the shield charm and I the curse against it. I wasn't unfair of course I made sure he'd actually completed the shield before I retaliated. The thing with Padfoot like prongs he enjoyed the spells that did something more than simply protection spells so as he stood there with a grin on his face I knew he doubted it was as powerful as mine, or even Prongs'. One stupefy, damn it. Two stupery and Padfoot fell backwards in a very stiff capacity but of course he fell directly on to the pillows, idiot. I definitely had skill to rival the cocky Marauder. As he came around I could recognise the look on his face one that meant he would never admit his shield had given way before Prong's had which either meant his shield wasn't as strong and Prong's or my stupefy's were stronger than his, neither which he wanted to admit as he grumbled in pain as I pulled him up.

It did seem us seven were a lot more interested in throwing charms around in practice than other members of the Order as they stood chatting idly as we waited for Dumbledore who had told us he had some news. News rarely meant good news but we were all still hopeful. Listening to the chatter from the other member's confirmed to me they had no idea what was coming either but of course was hoping for the best. One of the strangest things about the order for me was speaking to my old professor McGonagall and headmaster Dumbledore on more friendly terms than I ever had at school. They had always been kind to me at school as they were very willing for me to be part of the school despite my condition; it always meant I had a great respect for them both. The order was clearly our only and best chance against you-know-who and I wanted to be part of that as much as I could. Gideon or maybe Fabian was another of those anyway and was pacing the floor as if his life depended on it.

"Dumbledore's here" said the other twin as if wanting to calm his brother down, not that I thought it would work. The news was what we were waiting on, not just Dumbledore's presence.

"I'm sorry to gather you all here today with such little information on why" said Dumbledore in a soothing tone as all the attention in the room turned to him "I know you've all been keeping up with the Daily Prophet and muggle news so I guess you'll already know about the sad news of another muggle family being murdered. Of course I cannot fathom the working's of Voldemort's mind but I'm pretty sure the attack was unprovoked and for fun which makes me again wish to urge you all to place protective spells over any muggle dwellings as you could save a life without knowing it" he sighed deeply his eyes looked tired and his long hair was slightly more messy than usual "a muggle life isn't worth less than a wizard life so please take your time to help as I would hope you'd all do for one another" he said as his eyes x rayed over the members of the order. I still was getting over Dumbledore calling you-know-who Voldemort it was even unusual in the Order. "Now I would care to invite you to the attention of Bellatrix Lestrange it appears a muggle born by the name of Doug Thomas who was a few years above our youngest members in school was last seen in her presence. All I hope is he ran, knowing the danger he could be in but what I'm trying to tell you is if you see Doug take a moment to speak to him and try and find anything you can about but then be equally aware he may have the imperious curse on him or it could be a range of people using polyjuice potion" he paused rather dramatically but his voice remained calm as ever "I didn't know Doug very but I know he has family in America so I hope that's where he's gone" Twenty something was too young to die and as I looked at Dumbledore's aging face I knew he was thinking the same and you could still see the passion in his eyes as if wishing to help."Let this be a reminder to you all, anyone could be under the impirius curse or have pollyjuice potion used against them. You should think of ways for friends to know who you are" that sent a shiver through my spine imagining seeing my friends try and course me due to a curse me would be a hell of even more intimidating than some crazy Death Eater. The scariest thing about the them is they'd obviously had been preparing for an eventual war for about seven years and we only four and they had fear on their side as not many people were ready to stand up and fight. The rest of the meeting turned in to discussion about news we had heard since our meeting a week ago and tried to form plans, that never had any real point as we didn't know where people were and when we heard stories they were almost always wrong.

The worst part of us not knowing anything about the Death Eaters and you-know-who was they seemed to know everything about our plans, almost everything anyway and it had led to a majority of our fights turning up unexpected. It was almost definite that they had a spy in the Order and this was terrifying as I looked around the room of people all sworn to secretly and one of them at least wasn't keeping all the secrets. Luckily head quarters was kept by a fidelius charm and only Dumbledore could leak that secret to anyone and apart from my friends and family he and McGonagall were the people I trusted most not to be the spy. I couldn't believe someone was doing this willingly though I mean they'd all joined the Order to be on the side of good why would they then go back on it? It just didn't make sense as I realised one of these people could be under the imperious curse and that scared me as it could be anyone the only person I knew it wasn't was myself. Mind I was pretty sure it was none of my friends as they would have to know them so well to be able to fool me as I'd known them so long, I really hoped it wasn't any of them for their sanity too.

I returned home that night feeling rather numb with no plans to help others apart from protective spells that is. It sometimes just didn't feel like enough I know I probably could never kill anyone but still being sat at home was rather tedious. I mean I don't react badly to being cooped up I will happily pour myself over a book as time passes but now it was different I was reading to find more spells that could help us in any ways possible. This was hard as I lay there knowing any one of my friends could be out there in trouble somewhere, I wished Sirius was here he almost always could make me forgetting anything.

I noticed a snowy owl at my window, Lily's owl named Roamie, carrying a parchment.

_ My dear Moony, _

_I would love to see you alone tomorrow; nothing's wrong and you can ask me anything to prove who I am. You know the muggel coffee shop by my parents home, there at twelve o'clock? If there's any problems reply with Roamie otherwise I'll see you there._

_ Love always, Lily. _

And of course I'd meet her, my oldest friend who'd never let me down. I couldn't believe it wasn't Lily and I was more than happy to spend time alone with her.


	2. Chapter 2

"Moony" said the redhead from across the road as I walked out of the field I'd apperated to for our trip to the coffee shop. She looked strangely awkward but then she continued "let's start with some uh security questions, why do you get called Moony?" and I understood why, not something I wanted to be asking of a friend.

"Because of my condition flower, who likes to call you flower?"

"Padfoot. Prongs and his bloody flower" she repeated and then hugged me after poking her tongue out at me. I grinned at Lily I couldn't believe she was still that cute and shy little first year I'd met all those years ago standing in front of me she was beautiful and confident. I may be more mature than my Marauder friends but Lily, Lily was more mature than I and she always had been and now her looks were starting to coincide with her level of maturity. I didn't notice things like that, obviously but I watched the surrounding guys in the cafe watching her as she walked through. The idea of meeting at a coffee shop was definitely a good call as I shivered in the cold January day as I regretted not wearing my travelling robes.

"This year's been off to a great start" she commented rather solemnly as we sat opposite one another her eyes looking tired "how have you been Remus?" she asked in her caring tones though her face was filled with worry.

"I'm okay just the more I think about the imperius curse and the polyjuice potion the more fear I feel, I couldn't fight you guys" I explained every worry that had gone through my head "I just love you guys too much" she held my hand squeezing it tightly as I spoke.

"Of course you know your reciting everything I've thought since last night" she said with a weak smile "we've got to be strong and I don't for a second think they'd be able to trick me in to any one of you" I nodded as she repeated more of my thoughts "spent too much time with the six of you."

"I need to master some more charms you know" she said.

"I could help teach the shield charm" I had always had a natural flair for that spell.

"I'm sure you could give Sirius some private lessons" she grinned at me with the grin she always had when she brought up Sirius in this manner. For the past four years or so she'd been convinced we should be together, well she'd been convinced for longer but she didn't find it appropriate to wind me up until four years ago as Padfoot was dating her best friend. Okay, obviously Sirius and I had experienced some awkward moments in school and since with drunken kisses. I mean that's not something that happens between friends I know, but I think it was a mistake a very drunken I happened to be the only person in the room mistake. The only issue about how I felt about Sirius I mean I knew he was good looking, one could deny that even James Potter who wished he could, and I was more than happy to spend time with him but I could say the same about my other friends. It's confusing when I get lost in his grey eyes and his chiselled cheek bones and of course his tattoo, it may not be the way you usually look at a friend true but I wasn't gay. I couldn't be gay I was nineteen I'd know by now and I'd had girlfriends and the only reason Beth and I hadn't worked out was because I wasn't quite ready to tell her the truth about my uh condition, obviously not my sexuality. I just couldn't be in love with Sirius. This kisses were rare spaced over four years but his lips may be perfect and it may of literally felt like they were made to fit mine but that was it a one off when Sirius wanted to try something new. Sirius liked experimenting even now and maybe my gaze accidently got locked on his eyes or body or perfect bum but it was just a slip of the eyes. It couldn't be more.

"Be quiet flower" I smiled at her hoping she'd get hint of my patronising tone.

"Don't you start" she laughed at me as she forgot about the tears that had been in her eyes mere minutes before "who'd of thought you wouldn't be a world class curse breaker by now?"

"Me"

"Shut up Remus, you could have been amazing. You will be amazing"

"Yep and I'm sure they love hiring werewolves"

"Shut up you could get a signature to say you have a medical condition, I'm sure Dumbledore would help your one of his favourites"

"Says you Miss Head Girl"

"That was three years ago was it still meant to be an insult?" she grinned at me.

"Only because you ended up as head girl with James and finally saw the error in your ways" she laughed at me as she hated admitting how quickly in the end she'd fallen for James. Obviously it had taken her six years to stand to be in the same room as him without wishing to curse him but by the seventh year it took them a few months to become inseparable. Mind inseparable may not be the correct word I mean look at us now, were here without James and even when we were together they were not a pair of lovey dovey idiots. Obviously that probably had something to do with Sirius complaining if they ever got close to that.

"Come on, any love life to report?" she smiled again as if she'd expected me to finally admit I was in love with Sirius.

"Yeah I obviously have loads of time for that, with the Order and you idiots" she grinned at me

"I resent that, your fellow marauders idiots true but I, Ruby and Anton?"

"Fine, Lil you're obviously not an idiot" and she was probably the most intelligent book and street smart person I knew. The day flew by quickly as we sat chatting about everything in our life. The difference to being sat with one another like this was we were both watching over our shoulder as there was always a possibility of Death Eaters muggle world or not. I loved Lily's company even when she made fun of me I loved Lily's company even when she made fun of me.

"I love the muggle world" she said as we left the cafe that night. I understood what she meant as we looked around the muggle cafe living basically care free as the world passed around us. My mother was a muggle born too and I loved being in this part of my heritage as much as the wizarding world for my dad. We walked to the toilet for a safe place to apperate "see you soon" was her last words as we left.

I received another owl that night this time from Sirius.

_Come to mine tomorrow, after twelve of course._

_ Padfoot(followed by a paw print.)_

It was nice him having his own flat I wish I could afford to live with him but it didn't feel right living home my friend so this was the arrangement we stuck with, and obviously I'd be visiting him.


	3. Chapter 3

I knocked on Sirius' door wearing a simple muggle combo due to Sirius' apartment being in a muggle suburb. He recently confessed his choice of home was yet another rebellion against his pure blood family; obviously he was drunk when he told me Sirius was rarely honest if he was sober. He came to the door still in pyjama bottoms with scruffy but perfect hair.

"Morning" he groaned even though it was one o'clock and I had been invited.

"You said after twelve" I shrugged and walked through the door.

"Glad you came" he patted me on my back "I wanted company. I asked everyone else but they're all busy."

"Well I needed company too" I said "how do I know it's you?"

"My name is Sirius Black my favourite mode of transport is a motorbike and my friends call me Padfoot"

"I'm Remus John Lupin and my friends call me Moony" we nodded in agreement. Obviously we probably needed to think of better questions, but still it was a start to protection. His house already had a fedlius charm of course so we were fairly safe. "You look rough."

"I may of had too much" he yawned stretching out "I miss going to pubs" I nodded at least the coffee with Lily made us more alert rather than less. Obviously Sirius loved his drink even before but he was now getting drunk at home every night. However I didn't believe he was drinking for the fun like he used too, he was doing it to forget things and honestly that was the reason I was now considering having a few drinks so I obviously was not in a position to judge my troubled friend. "Remus, I'm worried" he paused and I noticed his worried expression "Regulus hasn't replied in over six months, something's up" ah, I should of known, he was always most serious about his brother, the only family member he cared for.

"What makes you so sure?"

"He's my brother, I just know"

"Well ask Dumbledore to look in to it?"

"I have, he said he'll do what he can" I understood how infuriating Dumbledore could be sometimes especially with a statement like that which didn't guarantee anything.

"It's not as if it's the first time it's happened is it?"

"Yeah but he's of age and a qualified wizard now"

"Dumbledore is good at finding things out you know?" he nodded reluctantly. "No Astoria?" I asked after the girlfriend I knew he was last with honestly only trying to change the subject swiftly and girlfriends was something he enjoyed talking about. He shook his head and grinned, ah I was obviously right.

"Well Astoria said I was an idiot for being part of the Order as I was 'asking for trouble' it turned in too one last goodbye shag" he grinned in the memory, Merlin he could be crude "we wouldn't work, I need a girl who's ready to fight, not one who thinks being ready is causing trouble"

"Lovely mate" I laughed at his candour of the subject "you could do with cleaning this place" I said looking at the dirty dishes.

"I need a house elf like Binky" referring to one of our favourite house elf at Hogwarts, house elves could be handy "stop moaning you lost that right when you didn't move in"

"I can't live off you can I mate"

"I don't see why not"

"I don't like feeling in debt and I doubt my mum would be happy about it, she'd have me live at home forever"

"Aw Remus the friendly werewolf" he grinned a patronizing grin scratching his chin distractedly.

"You could do with a shave mate"

"Well you've never had the right to tell me that have you mate?" he said grinning at me as his ex's had been lucky to get him to shave and I had no chance. "Count yourself lucky I don't smoke just to annoy you" he said flicking a used match at my head.

"I'm glad your over that one" I rolled my eyes remembering the time when you didn't see Sirius without a cigarette in his mouth after going slightly crazy after he'd been officially disowned.

"Girls didn't like it" he said in his irritatingly obvious way of saying all girls love me, he was right he was a total womanizer.

"Says the love guru by here"

"You know I can curse you now right Moony" playing with his wand between his fingers playing with it slightly flicking it causing a few sparks to fly out.

"Can't even control it ey?" I grinned at my cocky friend.

"I love learning curses" he grinned "I'd love the chance to show crazy cousin Bellatrix how it's done" I laughed "not forgetting Narcissa and their husbands" he did have a point one of the problems with being a Black pure blood he was related to all other pure bloods.

"There not all mad, what about Andromeda? She was a Hufflepuff wasn't she? And I heard she married Ted Tonks, a muggle born no less"

"True, but were not exactly in contact with each other"

"It's a shame, your showing Black's how it's done"

"Yeah by getting disowned and drunk" he grinned at me flicking his wand to make more sparks, less irritating than a match I guess. It was followed by a rather pregnant pause as we sat in his living room.

"I could be playing for England by now"

"I bet"

"No really, I'm better than half the players on that damn team"

"You are good Sirius"

"I just miss it" he said throwing a pillow at my head as if expecting me to sing his praises "see you never had the reactions for it" while laughing "I miss Hogwarts"

"Never thought you'd say that"

"Maybe not the lessons, but the pranks, the dorm room, the grounds and quidditch" I missed those things too. Maybe not pranks and quidditch as much but I missed the beautiful castle and I missed having my friends when I transformed, it made it easier.

"Were still having adventures though"

"Yeah true" he pondered "there more dangerous though"

"I thought the great Sirius black would get a thrill off the danger" I grinned at my friend.

"Well I do, kind of" he paused as his magnificent brain tried to work out what he was trying to say "I mean danger is fun, but death isn't and the possibility of my friends getting hurt definitely isn't" and he couldn't have described the how I felt any better although I think he's braver than me. "I, I love you guys too much to sleep without having night mares" he said in a dismissive yawn. Again he was right.

"At least were prepared Padfoot" I reassured him "we know what to look for"

"Yeah but there's some idiot passing information, I'll get my hands on that traitor" his hands motioning deadly as he lost control of his wand.

"I'll help, I think we should take him to Dumbledore he knows how to guilt trip" remembering how I felt every time I took advantage of his trust.

"Yeah something like that" said Sirius sneering at me as if I was naive "Remus the friendly werewolf" he repeated again. He loved that insult.

"You've got a worse bite than me"

"I'm just better than you"

"Says the one who could only make his shield last"

"You know my jelly legs charm is more effective than yours and every potion"

"But they don't beat Lily's" he levitated a pillow at my head this time which I returned. I threw a hex of bat bogey as they took over his face he retaliated with a tickling curse which made me fall to the floor laughing. I could barely aim my wand as I lay their laughing as Sirius had already managed to rectify the bad bogey curse and was standing over me with his broad stature with an evil grin on his smug face that lit up his eyes more than ever. He pushed back his hair that was curly and perfect as ever. As he stood watching me I worked out how to throw the jelly legs curse at him and finite incantatem on myself so I stopped laughing as he limped around the room. Obviously Sirius Black could still maintain a slight dignity as he stumbled pointlessly. I tried to think of the next curse to use, I didn't actually want to hurt or superfly him as the floor looked uncomfortable. Then I felt Sirius' full weight fall in to my arms while he grumbled pointlessly and tried to stand straight. Then we were on the floor with him on top of me of course we were now both laughing as if we were both controlled by the tickling hex. The gasps got greater as Sirius' legs twitched pointlessly as we lay there awkwardly and too slow to get up. Our breath was fast and hard as he pinned me down in an awkward position but our laughter didn't stop for a second when I caught his grey eyes looking in to mine. We were inches from each other's face again and he looked simply kissable with the lips that had fitted so perfectly in mine. His legs twitching slowed down as I considered leaning forward for a kiss when I felt him lean closer to me too.

His lips were more perfect than before as I felt the heat transfer from one another they were wet and simply perfect as we kissed for longer. My breath was still hard as we kissed but for a different reason as his weight stayed on mine. I opened my eyes looking at the disoriented Sirius as we kissed as if it was the most natural thing to do, apart from his twitching leg. I closed my eyes again finding his hand on my cheek and mine quickly went to his hair we'd pull back quickly as if to catch our breath stealing glances at one another's face. I never knew how much sexual tension I had preserved until that moment as the kiss grew in to long passing minuets. I couldn't help but smile as we pulled apart watching his face after many kisses he was smiling too, maybe when he kissed me drunk all those years before it wasn't a mistake. It took us mere seconds before we'd fallen back in to one another mouths. It was perfect as I lay feeling his broad chest on mine. Reality was gone as I felt Sirius bite at my lip and a moan escaped my mouth as we became passionate as we lay there together.

Then there was a knock on the door. Fuck. Sirius pulled up after a few seconds. We looked at one another as if questioning as if now was appropriate to keep kissing or to check who was there. Obviously I wanted the former and he appeared to as well he kissed me again ignoring the second knock. The third was then followed by a familiar voice.

"Oi, Padfoot, Moony I know your there!" shouted James Potter. Really!? He had to get here right that second. Not before we fell in to our unspoken kisses or after it um let's say had the possibility of developing or before we had chance to talk about what was happening. Well James is definitely a slap back to reality. Sirius let out a sigh that couldn't be described as anything less than a bark, like he did when he was his animagus self. He looked at me and I looked at him. We spent a second looking at one another as Sirius' leg let off another twitch and as if we had an unspoken agreement this had never happened he pulled himself up to meet our fellow Marauder. I pulled myself to the sofa trying to act as nonchalantly as possible; of course James wouldn't have expected exactly what had happened however I was positioned but still. Crap I don't want to make things awkward I stressed as they joined me in the living room.

"Lily let you go?" I asked grinning at the under the thumb relationship not that I really meant it and had more things on my mind.

"I'll curse you Moony" he grinned branding his wand at my face. It gave us a second to chat about our ways of proving who he was which we were all able to do. I was slightly more distracted by Sirius as he chatted to our friend and I was watching him scratch his stubble using his wand again. James was flicking his wand distractedly making snow out of his wand. Why snow I don't know. But Sirius' almost blank stare was what my eyes were dragged too. I've never wanted to see James less than in this second.

"Where is Lily then?" asked Sirius.

"She's at home with my parents when I left"

"Does she spend a lot of time with them?"

"They get on well" he nodded "and she's happy to be reading without my presence, or annoyance" he said with a laugh. Some things never change.

"Allowed to sleep together yet?" said Sirius with a crude grin.

"We've got too much respect to my parents to fight that rule"

"Yeah but have you slept with her yet?" he laughed smugly even though he knew the answer of yes. He liked to talk about sex with James even when James didn't contribute to the conversation out of respect. Obviously I'd probably be more interested in his sex life if it was with me; I need to stop thinking about Sirius in that way. I probably won't have the guts to mention it later but I need to know as I realised I may have feelings for Sirius. Damn Lily could read me well. Though I didn't quite understand how I felt though I did keep finding myself gazing his way as we sat talking.

"Shall we owl Wormtail?"

"I think he's trying to get back with Myrtle I think" Sirius said rolling his eyes in disgust at our friend chasing after his ex girlfriend who was a Slytherin but her brother was a Death Eater. A Death Eater who had actually fought with fellow members of the Phoenix. They'd fought and won but he was still out there somewhere and they could come after us any day and Yaxley appeared to be a fan of cruciatus curse luckily they got away. We don't know much for sure but Myrtle and her brother were close and I didn't like Peter being so close to the Death Eaters, anything could happen.

"The four of us have to go out together soon, feels like were not Marauder's anymore" he had a point it was rare the four creators of the Marauder's map were found alone together. I wish we still had the map I mean it would be pointless out of Hogwarts but still I didn't like Filch having it. I mean he probably couldn't work it but still.

"We'll always be the Marauder's" I said grinning at my two friends who I knew I couldn't live without "remember when you used to curse me?"

"You're lucky you're good at curses".

"I definitely enjoyed the pranks more when they were aimed at the Slytherin's" I said trying to suppress my gratefulness of the change in direction. Obviously more than anything I was glad they were my friends. And they knew my greatest secret and hadn't then chosen to leave me. I was so glad we'd stayed stayed friends and how we'd expanded to include the other three. Well me and Lily were friends before anyway but Ruby and my friendship developed through the rest of them and I'd probably of never speak to Anton if it wasn't for her and Ruby dating. They were now six of my favourite people in the world, apart from my parent's obviously.

"Did you hear about the Finnigan's?" I shook my head at James "Jess and her husband what's his name? They went out for the day with his mother and his father stayed at home, you know Mr Finnigan? Great guy wasn't he? Well he was cleaning at home apparently and when the family returned to see the dark mark above their house" I sighed deeply I knew where the story was going "and you know" said James judging our faces he cut the story short. We rather lamely talked about our memories of Mr Finnigan, we never knew him that well and felt almost forced however nice the guy was. It wasn't exactly the distraction from Sirius I wanted but it worked. The night turned into a blur after that exchanging horror stories that were now our reality.

The weird thing about living in a basically war torn community was the awkwardness that came while discussing some strangers death or injury. Obviously I cared and I empathised with their families but it felt almost patronising to prolong the conversation as their real family and friends knew the most about them where as we were just exchanging cliché sympathies. It was always hard as we sat with one another in one of these moments as we waited for the conversation to fall back in to our usual conversation. I relished in the moments where we argued about quidditch and old times it was almost normal for us and as I knew my transformation was a few days away I was particularly grateful. One of the slight advantages of having my condition was forgetting about everything even if it was to fall in to another painful reality.


	4. Chapter 4

"I'm so sorry, I hated leaving you alone" Lily said as I apperated to the Potter's mansion a week after I left for my transformation. My transformation had been particularly painful and the few days I had to spent with a healer wasn't exactly stealing food from a house elf as I was reminded when Lily jumped in to my weak arms. My arm had actually been broken during my transformation but Lily's almost whisper and tender voice managed to make me feel a little better.

"I'm perfect, what have I missed?" as we walked in to the mansion together while trying not too whimper in pain.

"Nothing" she seemed to know I doubted her without needing to say anything "Well almost nothing" ah here we go "do you remember the Hufflepuff Hannah Jones? She dated Prongs a few years ago and was a few years below us?" I remembered the pretty red head that Sirius had had a fling with. "She's gone missing" she said with a sigh.

"Does the Order know anything?" she raised her eyebrows with an almost patronizing look as I asked, I took that as a no. We sat together and discussed how everything was carrying on around us and we couldn't do anything. The subject was worn out before Lily brought us back to the reality that we were still only kids really.

"Rubes and Anton broke up"

"No!?"

"Yeah, they've been pushing each other away with everything that's going on and that he won't give up work even though it makes him venerable it's been getting to her for a while" she sighed "she's handling it fairly well though" she added with a half smile "you should come visit her with me later, I think we're all going over for an hour she needs cheering up."

"Sure" I said, obviously I felt compassion for them both as our friendships had developed over the years. What got to me most was the fact you-know-who had managed to pull apart the loving couple, fear did drastic things to people. The most distracting issue for me was realising mine and Sirius first contact since...youknow... would be a forced social situation where we couldn't really talk. Great.

Later we used side along apparition to Ruby's home; I've always loved her home. Ruby's house is vast with acres to match and it's been passed down through generations in part of the lovely Irish country side. Then we noticed it. It. It was there.

The sign. The mark.

The dark mark was above her home.

This mark couldn't mean anything good by any stretch of the imagination I felt my stomach churn as if I was about to vomit everywhere, I gulped it down while pulling out my wand. Everything had slowed down as Lily and I ran up the path way and saw that my fellow marauders arrive behind us. The sound of my breath was pounding in my ears as we entered the home, the door contained no sign of struggle but the hallway had been trashed. I couldn't hear anything my friends were saying as we walked in to the home and I heard a scream and I recognised it as that of Ruby Button's we followed the sound keeping our wands up.

Of all the ideas that had passed through my mind I couldn't have imagined what I saw. Ruby and her wizard brother Luke were tied to chairs, Luke was passed out; their parents were opposite them with Death Eater's holding knives to their throats and wands in their other hands, their parents looked dead. I see the marks on their necks I had mere seconds to take in my surroundings before I was throwing spells. Apparently their shields could rival mine as spell after spell lit up the small room with Ruby screaming to let her free but we couldn't, we were doing all we could but my mind had blanked of any helpful spells. Then we heard another voice.

"Well, well, well" said the high pitched voice from the door way "I came to get two mudblood's and I get three" I turned to see you-know-who's snake like face smiling as his eyes found Lily with an almost hungry look on his face "stop" he commanded his Death Eaters and they did, apart from holding up a shield that repelled our spells. Sirius, Lily and James threw spells at Voldemort with no prevail as I attempted to break the shield as I heard the Ruby's constant scream. His cackle was like nails on a blackboard even with the sound dulled down by panic he blocked their spells easily as Peter helped me unsuccessfully fight the shield. "First _hero's_ you're going to watch your friend die" his lips spread over his pale skull like face "Luke's already dead you see, the worthless little mudblood didn't have powers to rival ours" somehow he was still managing to block the spells as he spoke with greed about the young dead boy "avada kedavra" he said aiming at Ruby and that was that.

Everything was slow again as the green illuminated the room. She stopped screaming. Her body limp. That's when Dumbledore arrived on the scene. I didn't care or know how he was there I was just glad. The room was lit up with curse after curse I heard so many unforgivable's thrown around I didn't know if anyone was hit. But it was what we needed everyone was so distracted by his presence it gave us time to capture the Death Eaters while Dumbledore and Voldemort duelled, Dumbledore ordered us to apparate taking one of the Buttons somewhere safe. We didn't see anything past the first few spells as we obeyed I think we all knew he was the only one who could rival Voldemort. I grabbed Ruby's hand and we all apparated to the Potter's house.

We lay the four bodies down in their unused drawing room everything was happening at different speeds. One second it felt like we'd barley gotten there long and the next we were tidying them up. I couldn't help but think the use of a knife was as if a taunt towards them, the muggle who couldn't use magic so they used a muggle weapon. I couldn't quite understand that it was the Button's who lay dead. We left them in the room as James went to warn his parents and waited for Dumbledore. It was as if my hearing had finally turned back on as I realised Lily was crying in to Sirius' chest and I looked up to see Sirius looking close to tears too. I pulled myself to join them arm around Sirius and other around Lily as we sat there numb holding one another. Then Dumbledore entered the home with a grave look upon his face.

"Sirius I applaud you for your quick thinking in sending me a patronus" he said dutifully "I'm just sorry I was too late" he watched us as if judging what to say next "I'm sorry the Buttons' were a wonderful family" and looked down at the ground.

"What happened?"

"The Death Eater's have been sent in to custardy and Voldemort fled"

"I'll get him one day" growled Sirius sounding like a dog once again.

"I hope someone does too but I sense now will not be the time for his vanquish" giving the impression he knew something. "I've contacted McGonagall who will in turn contact their remaining family and give them all the protection we can" he explained as if he was trying to correct a mistake judging by the guilt on his face "you all fought valiantly, not many would of chose to enter the home like you did" he paused again "I'm proud of you all" we may of left school but it was really a lot of respect to our great head teacher but now was not the time to feel respect I was over taken by panic and grieve. We all spoke while not really hearing we were all numb and still in tears struggling to hold ourselves together. It's a weird experience seeing friends that you never seen cry cry. I watched a tear fall down Sirius' chiselled face and James nuzzle his head in to Lily's as she cried in to his chest. Peter sat staring in to a wall occasionally sniffling. It took me a while to realise what was happening as Dumbledore informed me other members of the order were being sent to muggle born homes to make sure they were extra aware of what was going on and how this could happen again and already could be. If I wasn't in such a delirious state I would have demanded to go help them but I would miss perform spells. I found myself in Sirius arms as he saw my face tearing up again I felt his warm body around mine and his intoxicating smell. It could have been hours we sat there like that with bodies the other side of the door or it could have been minuets as Dumbeldore announced he was leaving to find somewhere safe to keep their bodies not for them to become more defiled and to help the Order.

"I need to check on my parents" I said finally realising what was happening. I know there not muggle borns but if Snape was part of the Death Eaters like we thought he'd love to accidently divulge the information I was a werewolf and I'm sure they'd love to go after my family about as much as a muggles.

"Me to" said Peter as if I brought him back to reality. We were both stood together in front of our friends.

"No one's going alone" said James matter-of-factly.

"I can't go anywhere" said a still blubbering Lily.

"I'll go with Moony" said Sirius I nodded in consent.

"Would you be okay with my parents Lil?" James asked doubtfully

"I'll be fine" she said steadying her voice for a second long enough to talk. We all placed charms on as we left more paranoid than before and Sirius and I apparated to my house. Everything looked okay, no dark mark, no signs of struggle, no anything.

"Mum? Dad?" I said.

"In the kitchen love" I walked in glad to hear my mum's voice. It took me seconds to be hugging them both tightly.

"You're a mess son" my dad said and I looked down noticing ripped robes.

"I went to visit Ruby, you-know-who and some death eaters were there" I said my voice catching as I talked about it for the first time I felt Sirius' hand on my shoulder as he pushed me to sit down before I fell "they tortured them all and made the kids watch their parents die and killed them both too, Dumbledore came and helped us and the Death Eaters have been captured and you-know-who fled" I said gulping back not wanting to cry in front of my father.

"I told you I didn't want you messed up in this Order rubbish" said my mother in a shrill voice.

"It was nothing to do with the order; they seem to be after muggle borns and their families"

"I don't care you're not going!"

"Mum, I'm nineteen you can't stop me if I could stop what happened to Ruby to someone else I would" I said holding her stare. My dad did the nod he always does at my mother to tell her he was on my side and she rolled her eyes and went straight in to washing. I knew they were proud of me just worried like the rest of the community. I nodded at both of them.

"I'm going to tidy myself up" I said quickly "I want to put a fidelius charm on the house too" I added in as I left.

"Lovely to see you Sirius" my mother added in as if she was being a bad host

"You too Mrs Lupin, Mr Lupin" they usually had a fairly good relationship with my friends and it was unusual for them to speak this little "come on Moony, upstairs" he said to me. I would have loved to hear those words in a different situation but obviously now was different. Ruby was dead. Luke was dead. The whole Button family was dead and I just didn't know. We were in my room together like thousands of times before and I locked the door behind us and put on the muffliato charm so my parents couldn't hear as I had a feeling one of us would start throwing things. We both got changed quickly and in silence as if preparing our self of what to say, well I knew I was.

"I really loved Ruby" was all I could get out

"She was always almost a marauder" he laughed in memory of the mischief making Gryffindor.

"Luke could have been too"

"If only the map wasn't confiscated, I'd of loved to pass it to him" I nodded as we both acted as if that was the only reason Luke would never get the map.

"Mr and Mrs Button always knew how to throw a party didn't they?"

"Yeah" was all Sirius said as I fell down on to my bed clearly trying to not to cry I wish he couldn't read me so well sometimes "don't hold back Moony" he said as we lay side by side. I found myself sobbing while trying not to all at once I wanted a distraction as I did trying to think of Ruby in a good way as I remember her calling Sirius and James out on their idiotic behaviour almost as much as me Lily did and how she genuinely just made our friendship group better and I think we all knew it. After a while of remembering every hair colour Ruby had and how they all suited her and she got attention off guys how she always went back to Sirius through their school career, they loved each other they did, but they realised as times past since it wasn't love and they've both said it. I really hope she loved Anton and Anton loved her as I can't imagine her dying without finding true love. I honestly think her younger brother was in love with his girlfriend Aria, she was the loveliest little muggle born I'd ever met and they'd dated since the begging of their second year it's hard to believe that was only two years ago and they'd stayed for the duration and even when Aria moved to new Zealand for anonymity they remained in contact. There are not many people their age that could last like that and Lily had predicted it from day one and I just hope they knew love. Their parents were in love, you just had to look at them and the family they'd created to see that. I didn't envy for one second the people who had to tell Anton, Aria and their family my heart is breaking in the images. I looked up at Sirius he was slightly stone faced, true, but I could see the passion in his eyes his eyes were definitely the gateway to what he was thinking and it looked almost like madness. I think he must of realised I was watching him as he placed his arm around me and I ended up on his chest. Even with the same thoughts again I was distracted slightly by the head holding me, the strong chest and sound of his beating heart and the intoxicating smell. I hadn't been in love with Beth. Sirius and I's relationship is even more confusing as I don't even know what I am or what he not that I cared for labels but I needed to understand it myself.

"Moony, I'm glad I have you" Sirius said after a lengthy pause after the last time either of us spoke "I'm glad I got to know Ruby and Luke" he continued while I considered his point "I'm glad for the marauders, the Potter's and Lily" he said as he held me in his arm and his chest. I was lucky to know them, it was a privilege many people would now never get and I was glad for my friends as when I started as a terrified werewolf thinking I'd always have to lie and I couldn't off been more wrong now with my small group of friends.

"I'm glad to Sirius" I said as I thought of everyone he'd mentioned and bet he'd thought of Regulus like I'd thought of my family. I didn't bring it up as while mourning our best friend didn't exactly seem like the time to upset Sirius some more. I hated him upset but I loved being held while we both struggled to sort out our own heads.


	5. Chapter 5

The next week passed in a blur we spent almost all our time trying to protect any muggle born's we could. Sadly we didn't get to everyone in time and there had been more deaths in the single week than I'd care to admit. It turned me physically sick to think of how Death Eater's and you-know-who could kill without a second thought to what they were doing. It was now a day for another horrific experience. We were laying the Button family to rest.

"I'm sorry for your loss" I expressed pathetically to Owghan, their older muggle brother, as the six of us joined the funeral. Owghan was strangely giving the impression he blamed the magic community so I guess I couldn't blame him. We sat down quietly around their family. I watched the many friends and family cry and ask "how? Couldn't they smell the gas?" which had been the storey the muggle's had been told, I didn't think it gave their deaths justice but I didn't know what I could do about it. Everything about it felt wrong as I watched Lily and Anton sobbed loudly. I knew Anton loved her as I watched him, he was full of regret and I hoped that would never be me. I was sat next to Lily and I did everything I could to calm her as she blubbered rather loudly, it was very unlike Lily to react like this and as I held her close it broke my heart how many funerals Lily had had to attend in the past few years. And all I could do was attempt to calm her; there was no cheering up in this situation.

I hated to admit but I was glad to leave as they played "David Bowie –Hero's" and they were cremated, it finally caused me to break down in tears thinking about Ruby and the time we took a car ride to Bournemouth beach in the Easter of our seventh year. We played it as we drove and we sang as Lily, Ruby and James held hands in the back seat with Peter next to them and Sirius drove while I sat in the front seat. We slept under the stars that night using magic to keep us warm as we enjoyed the day of using muggle transport and activities. Ruby was always fun and now she was gone she was invincible it didn't make sense to me; I didn't see how it ever would.

Everything was numb as we spent the day doing funeral traditions of the wake we sat their quietly as if not knowing what to do. The day was awkward and quiet as we drank too much to forget everything that had happened, Ruby's scream, Luke being limp and the cuts on Mr. and Mrs Button's neck and arms. It didn't seem respectful to them to drink like this and sit in science but nothing else seemed right either.

Surprisingly I remember getting home that night with a bit of clever thinking we returned back to one another's place before Lily and James returned to the Potter's together. Everyone seemed to have the same blank stare as everything took over that night. It was the first time something had happened to someone I knew and it made everything so much more real as I lay in bed having dreams full of nightmares of Death Eaters and you know-who alike with everyone I know popping up every now and then. Safe to say I barely slept as I wished for company.


	6. Chapter 6

"Sirius I'm not going" I shouted as I banged on his flat door "we need to talk" I'd barely seen him for the past month and he was making himself more susceptible for attack pushing us all away, and this time I wasn't going. After five minutes or so he opened the door. He was looking scruffier and thinner than usual. The smell confirmed my thought that he'd been consuming only liquid lunches. He was only wearing a pair of boxer shorts; I couldn't help but stare at his bottom half slightly as he opened the door there was something crazy in his eyes.

"I should have saved them"

"We should of, we did what we could"

"It wasn't enough"

"You had the sense to message Dumbledore, which helped"

"How coz we escaped?"

"Yes and he captured the Death Eater scum"

"Who went free?"

"You tried"

"I never actually do anything"

"Your fighting saved me, I'd of been dead if you hadn't deflected their stupefy" he slumped against the wall and finally let me in.

"It's not enough though is it?"

"I know Sirius but if we hadn't arrived when we did they probably would have tortured her to death" he nodded

"Great, quick or painful deaths are our only options"

"Something likes that"

"I can't wait for someone to beat Voldemort, life will be easier and I swear I will die fighting against him"

"Me too, I'd die for you all" he nodded as if it was the obvious answer.

"Can you believe Prongs is proposing?" as if worried he was being too open.

"No, but they are perfect"

"No denying that" we sat their quietly

"Some people find true love" I said while watching my best friend I possibly, I desperately wanted to kiss him even when he wasn't looking his best. He looked up and found my eyes watching him greedily I went red as I noticed. I smile awkwardly as he stared back and found ourselves lost in one another's eyes. I watched the dark grey eyes as I leant forward this time and he came to meet me and I pushed his hair behind his ear the kiss was amazing as every other time.

Our lips parted, warm kisses, getting more passionate as they reached each other's necks and the moaning got louder. I whimpered desperately as I felt his teeth grip my neck before he was on top of me. I was hoping we didn't get interrupted again and I knew I'd be ready to curse anyone who did. It was strange kissing Sirius in just his boxers as my hands explored his broad strong body hungrily feeling his hot soft skin under my hands he pulled off my shirt as I whimpered longingly as his kisses went all down my chest to my hips and he looked up at me. I caught by breath.

"I think you need a shower Sirius" I grinned as I looked at my almost naked friend. He understood where I was going as he grabbed my hand and pulled me to his extravagant bathroom and slowly took off one another's remaining clothes as he pulled me in to the shower. I noticed we were both already hard as our bodies covered in soap. I'd never seen Sirius naked like this before with his hard, large and delicious looking cock in front of me I was surprised by how shy I was when it came to touching it, I wanted to but still it was nerve racking. We were lost in kisses as the soap went all over our chests and I felt his hand on mine first. I wished I'd shaved as I looked at Sirius' shaved pubic area moaning as I felt his hand on my dick, the first hand I'd ever felt on my rod was Sirius' and the thought of being taken by him made me find his.

"Get on your knees" Sirius said in more of a demand than a request and I did as I was told. I looked up at him as he watched me he turned the shower down which meant I could look up at Sirius his wet stature looking even more attractive, I didn't think possible. He raised his eye brows and bit his lip before saying "suck" and I did. I was scared as I had no idea what to do every kiss between Sirius and I had just happened to work out perfectly I hoped this did too. I know he said suck but to get ready I placed one hand on his balls and massaged while jerking with the other I heard a grunt of a moan and started to lick his tip and suck slightly going deeper but not very deep and nowhere near gagging. I felt another sound of improvement as he grunted and moaned slightly this time and I caught him biting his lip again as I looked up. I did this for a while trying to use my tongue as I go before I felt Sirus' hand on the back of my head, not forceful but I started to take more I felt myself gag as I sucked deeper on his dick and he pushed me a little more as I removed my hands he let me bob my head up and down gently.

"Are you oaky?" I mumbled yes "hands behind your back" I did as I was told and he took control of my mouth. He pushed further again holding me in place where I gagged and couldn't take any more he'd make me do it a few times before allowing me to catch my breath but I kept my tongue on his tip. It happened a few times as he pushed me further each time and I felt my dick throbbing hard as I pushed myself to show off to him, always wanting to impress my best friend just now in a new way. I was surprised by how often I needed to pull up to breath especially when I gagged hard it became harder to deal with as I moaned almost as much as him. I was glad we were in the shower as I felt my own drool drip down my face I started to taste his pre cum in mouth as it was pushed further down my throat. The taste excited me as I hoped he'd cum soon and I tried even harder head bobbing and holding myself to gag for even longer and deeper trying to look up at him as much as possible even though my eyes were watering from gagging.

"I'm cuming" he said in a dog like grunt and I felt the salty liquid splash down my throat and I swallowed it all quickly to make sure I got every drop. One I was sure I had I rapped my tongue around his dick to finish off before pulling back, he watched me and smiled as I stayed on my knees "was that really your first time?" he said messing up my hair I nodded "good job" he said grinning at me. I assumed this was okay to get up so I did and I started to kiss him again. It was weird that I'd actually had Sirius' penis in my mouth and how much I enjoyed it. I'd never done anything like that before and this was _Sirius!_ I realised how much my cock was still throbbing and Sirius' tongue added to the wetness over my body on my neck and chest.

"Do you want to?" he said looking at his throbbing dick again, I looked back confused even in the passionate of the moment "maybe...bend over?" he said shier than last request he'd made of me. I was still nervous, wasn't it meant to be painful? Maybe the water would help but as I felt him nibble and growl slightly at my chest the heat of the moment took over. It was strange as I stood bent over in front of Sirius in his magically expanded shower as I did Sirius said words that I didn't quite hear but let out a moan deep down in his throat as he watched me, I felt his dick line up with my hole as he rubbed it against my ass. He pushed gently against my ass and I was moaning this time as it started to push in to my ass, slowly, tightly but it was entering me. I couldn't believe it. Sirius, my best and handsome friend Sirius was taking my virginity as he slowly pushed in and out of what he'd managed to push in. His moans were deeper and louder as he slowly pushed in to me even more. The pleasure and pain was confusing as too such contradicting feelings took over my body as I was stretched by his dick. It throbbed around it as it pushed me open but I couldn't deny the pleasure as I was still hard but I was whimpering slightly he pushed it in painfully. Sirius could sense it as he slowed down not pushing it any further as his thick dick throbbed in my ass. I pushed back as the passion took over me and I realised how much I wanted to take him, all of him however hard it may be to take. The sensation was painful for me but as I listened to Sirius' loud moans and hands on my ass and back it didn't matter as I took more of his dick in my ass.

"Remus, I love you" he said as he pushed more in to my ass, it was weird Sirius had said it before obviously we were best friends but this was different. The moment was almost perfect as he said it in a different was as he took me, I kind of wish we weren't having sex as he said it as it made them link together a little too much, would he be saying it if we weren't having sex? I didn't know. I decided not to let it get me down as I realised I loved Sirius too and he wouldn't of said it if he didn't feel the same.

"I love you, Sirius" I replied. I liked the use of our actual names, our nicknames were a friendship thing and this wasn't that to say the least as he grunted again and pushed himself even further in to my ass and I squeal rather undignified. Making Sirius slow down again as he gave me the impression of not wanting to hurt me as we made love in the shower. We were making love, not fucking, not shagging or any of the derogatory terms Sirius sometimes used in reference to his conquests which I wish wouldn't pop in to my mind at this second. It didn't take long to leave my mind as he grunted and pushed his dick further in and I pushed against him I was almost taking him all as I made love to him slowly but hard moaning for more every second.

It was getting more pleasurable, painful true but it was getting better and the fact it was Sirius made it even easier for me to take. The speed and momentum grew as the pleasure did too. Where we were may not be the most romantic place but it was in Sirius home and with Sirius and I couldn't complain for a second. I moaned loudly as we fuck one another harder as my dick drips pre cum to the shower floor. As his hands scratched my back greedily and slightly roughly without too much pain as if an excuse to feel my body even more as I'd felt them running over me the whole time, I wished I could see him better as I looked over my shoulder at his wet but still perfect hair and his bearded face. He could always look so perfect as I felt the sensation grew in my throbbing dick I moan desperately wanting to feel his cum in me again as I push myself on his dick moaning as I feel him in me for the second time already. Sirius lets out a deep moan as he fucked me roughly it made my body quiver all over and I felt myself cum for the first time my breath hard and fast as he kept making love to me until he was ready to finish. He seemed to take excitement to the fact I'd cum as he sped up again and his hands held my hips and I felt his wet cum fill up my ass it felt good, as good as he held position for a few seconds breathing hard. We both ended up laughing. It wasn't because it was awkward, or it was a mistake, it was just how Sirius and I were. We could laugh about nothing for hours at a time but the laughing made it awkward as his cum dripped at an alarming speed down my leg and I pulled off. I stood up again falling in to his lips in mine greedily biting and savouring the taste as we stood with one another. The water still dripping down us as the moment grew longer and for no moment I panicked that we didn't feel the same, we were in love we just happened to be slow on the uptake.

"So Sirius, think you can shave now?" I said rubbing his stubble in my hands roughly as we kissed still exploring one another.

"Only you could get me up" he grinned as he'd spent so long home alone and in bed, the double meaning of course was referring to his growing dick resting against my leg. I moan gratefully at the feel him so close to me his naked body against me as nothing could tear us apart from that moment as if Felix Felicis had taken over us and we'd finally been honest with one another as if we had no choice in the matter, I guess we didn't love is something that you can't fight or hide "I love you Remus" he murmured.

"I love you" I said in reply as I realised how real everything was becoming as if everything was now clear for the first time. I laughed slightly again as his neck kisses tickled me lightly. Of course this meant they became harder and I ended up laughing before tickling him to try and return the problem. It was strange as if our prior conversations of being unsure didn't matter, it didn't matter before we'd been confused these few weeks later it was clear. It was weird to say it was clear as it was such a hard time for us all but apparently it had made us see clearly.

"You know you were my first guy" he pointed out as if reading me earlier thoughts. I was glad, I wanted it to be something meaningful and it would be anyway but as his first in that was meant a lot as he being my first meant to me. I'm grateful it was him. As the kiss went on and we finally found our way to his bed, not even for sex but for cuddles as we held one another whispering sweet nothings as if we'd done it a hundred times before. "Where does this leave us Remus?" Sirius murmured again.

"I don't know" I said staring in his grey eyes. I didn't know if I wanted to be in love right now with everything going on in our lives but I was. If we chose to made it official though I know we'd definitely be used as bait for one another by you-know-who and his followers. A rebel Black and a werewolf, they'd have fun using us I dread to think what they'd think up. The worst part was there was almost definitely someone taking things about the Order even if we dated fairly in secret there was at least one person we couldn't trust. I mean even if it was just dates and not technically boyfriend and boyfriend it still would be used against us. Mind it's not as if were in public that often these days and were just spending less time every day as members of the Order we would put everyone around us in danger if you-know-who or the Death Eaters it wasn't worth it in that way. But being with Sirius would be worth it. Spending every hour as his boyfriend not his best friend would be perfect, more experiences like this as we make love and hold each other in to the night. I wanted this, I wanted him.

"Don't take this the wrong way" he said with a rather pregnant pause "I think maybe we could date in private" he looked in to my eyes as I got lost in his again "it's not that I'm ashamed Remus, but it's too complicated right now" I nodded he was right. I loved the idea I mean in another circumstances I'd probably think this was a terrible idea but now it made sense. We could be together it had taken us eight years to get here, we couldn't go back and I was happy as I smiled at him. I hated I couldn't tell James, peter and Lily more than anything, particularly Lily who knew. She'd always known but never made a big deal out of it and until everything was normal, or as normal as it could be.

"I love that idea Sirius" I kissed him "almost as much as I love you" we fell back in to perfect and loving kisses.


	7. Chapter 7

Things hadn't been the same since I'd lost Ruby. I couldn't find the motivation to get off my couch. It was just so strange she was the third person I'd lost in the space of three years, well fourth including Luke and they all seemed to hit me at once. It wasn't me, not at all. I needed a distraction but I just couldn't get one as I wasn't planning on leaving the house. It wasn't only that though I used to be able to spend my days reading even when cooped up in James' home but now I couldn't concentrate for more than a few minutes. I'd come suck a useless girlfriend as I watched James grieve while looking after his parents who's health was declining. I should be helping. I hadn't even seen my friends. I know it wasn't as if it was easy to go out and spend time with one another now every street was deserted, according to James, but I hadn't visited their homes and they hadn't visited mine and I honestly wasn't sure I cared. They could all be dead any second and if I ever let that enter my brain I would find it hard to breathe let alone think as I lay on my designated bedroom. I needed to wake up, I needed to do something but all I could do was wait there is always tomorrow.

"My beautiful Lily" said James talking as if I was on my death bed "want to visit Padfoot with me? Moony and Wormtail are in his flat you know" he pushed my hair back out of my eyes as if I was still the most beautiful person in the world as I felt like the worst in every single way "they miss you" he looked at me hoping to get more words out of me for a change as I lay there hearing but not understanding the words. I sighed deeply as I felt his hand on my cheek he knew this was a no and looking at his hurt face was always a slap back to reality as I knew he thought he was to blame "we miss you Lil" he said before kissing my forehead and leaving the room. Great. Now I hated myself even more as I sobbed lightly when I was sure he was away from the room. I was making my perfect boyfriend feel guilty for my own stupidity. I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to see my friends. I wanted to help everyone. It was ridiculous as the more I wanted to change the more nervous I got about the plan as I literally shook. What could I do? I knew what everyone was saying about strong, confident and passionate Lily lying in bed as the world around her passed quicker every day what was I meant to do? Live a lie and sit with my friends with a blank stare on my face before I was ready or stay out of their way before they got bored of me, this way was better.

It didn't even make sense to me how I could think all that and then think it was wrong. I still had people in my life the marauders and James' parents were so important to me I couldn't just live like this. I wasn't living, I was surviving. It wasn't right as my friends spent time together and the Potter's declined rapidly. I couldn't do this to them, I couldn't do this to myself and I couldn't do this to the memories of the past. I could imagine Ruby's response;

"You're lying in bed while the world turns without you? Get up" and I'm sure I'd have a pillow or curse at my head for this. She could cheer me up. More than anyone alive could cheer me up. I know that sounds bad to say about my boyfriend but all relationships are different and this was no exception. It was time to change I'd spent so long just lying here my friends could be doing any number of things and I wouldn't know. I wouldn't be able to help if we were attacked as my brain seems to take too long to register anything I'm told. I'd be a danger. I stared at the ceiling drifting in to memories of Hogwarts and the castle of my old life when things were simple. When I could spend hours in the common room with my friends and see Snape every night, when him being a Slytherin wasn't an issue. Mind back then the only marauder I was friends with then was Moony and they. It was weird imagining telling eleven year old me I'd be living with James and he'd be the love of my life I wouldn't believe you for a second but it was true and it wasn't a life or love worth wasting. I considered everything that had gone through my head since I'd left school and partially since I'd lost Ruby. It didn't make sense to grieve this way and I knew it. It may not seem like a big deal but as I pulled myself to the shower and found clothes to change in to for the first time in weeks it was a small victory but still it was a step in the right direction. Strangely I couldn't talk myself in to visiting the marauders so went to see the Potter's I chatted, well listened and mulled about, for hours including cooking them food and getting something ready for James and I as an almost a mini date. I couldn't explain my nerves and how much I wanted to hide in my bed, forever but I couldn't go backwards, I _had_ to go forwards. I replayed the voices of my lost loved ones to reinforce this point as I think of the moments they were proud of me and they would not be proud of me for staying at home for the rest of my life as they watched down on me.

It wasn't just the voices of my dead loved ones that caused me some form of motivation as I watched the Potter's hallow faces as they ate to stay alive and we barely spoke. It wasn't only that they were frail and the Potter's couldn't live like they wanted to what was the point in throwing away my life as they struggled through. It was also James' face when he tried to talk to me he looked almost haunted something I had started to become numb too but as I pushed myself not to run back to bed before he got home I remembered how much he loved me and how much I loved him, it would kill me to watch him in this state and I dread to think what it is doing to him. I'm going to see the marauders I swore to myself as I sat there thinking about my friends, not today no but tomorrow but I won't tell James in case I change my mind. I sat forcing small talk with his parents as the day went by. I heard the sound of James using floo powder back in to the home he and his friends had linked it so they would be the only ones able to get in to their homes using this transport, well them and me, it was safer for them to see one another quickly and even if they were taken by pollyjuice potion or had someone else with them they couldn't travel in to their home.

"Mum, Dad? I'm home, you guys hungry"

"Lily made us food darling" said his mother "she's still a better cook than you" he entered the kitchen and looked shocked to see us sat together. It was weird how seeing James sent me in to a slight panic again as he and his parents chatted about his day. He was home safe and I was grateful of that but I realised moving forward is a slow process and I can't jump in to an old routine without preparing myself. I smiled as I watched his caring face as he talked politely as ever talking to his parents he'd always respected them so much. I kind of wished I could stop letting my thoughts take over as I was distracted. I looked out the window and noticed it was dark already as I watched James walk towards the cupboard obviously assuming I hadn't made him food.

"There's food to be warmed up for us" I told him. As he looked back I had a feeling he was a lot happier about that fact than he let on, which was an achievement for James who wore his heart on his sleeve, I smiled back at him as he found the meals and prepared to eat. His parents were ready for bed and we helped them back to their room and sat together in the kitchen with one another.

"Thanks Lil" he said while using his wand to warm the food "perfect little house wife" he grinned at me.

"Shut up James, you know I'm going to be an awesome award winning potion maker" laughing in memory of one of our conversations about the future.

"And I'll be a world class quidditch player, everyone will know the name Potter" looking in to one another's eyes and he held my hand in his. I was glad to do this but it was nice to sit there with him like we used and like nothing had changed. He looked at me with the in love look he'd worn the whole time I'd known him and I couldn't imagine him looking at me with any different expression and that thought made me smile. Smile like I used to as I imagined me and James being with one another forever. That was the only thing certain in my future and I don't think for a second it was a delirious idea as we both spent the last several months living with one another and we still as crazy about each other as ever even though I may just be a little crazy.


End file.
